Complete Dogma
by Kou1
Summary: *UPDATED*The rating is due to MAYBE future chapters... First time Icy lets me at the plot so... Just read and review. It's complete rubbish. Trust me. What happens when Yoh goes on a makeover? Erm... You don't wanna noe...
1. Default Chapter

Complete Dogma  
by Icy and J  
  
A/N: Following the tradition of our previous fics, this one also has a plot with absolutely NO relation to the title. Yeah... And to those who read chapter 4 of our last fic (Cinder-Anna), please note that I renounce and completely take back all statements I made. Yah.-J  
Much better... Now that the air if cleared.-Icy  
And to 'Brandy'... (whoever it was who reviewed our fics) Don't worry, we'll send you a wedding invitation.-J  
Delete that sentence now. NOW.-Icy  
Make me.-J  
  
Btw, this pile of crap is for 'Kitsune' who encountered a nasty bout of 'life's hiccups'. (nothing to do with alcohol addiction of any sort!)-J  
  
Chapter one:  
  
"Yoh-dono..." Amidamaru sighed, watching the young shaman pace like a rabies infected hamster up and down the corridoor. "Perhaps you should take a break..."  
  
Ren rolled his eyes. "Obviously that would be impossible. You know how it is *every* year..."  
  
Horohoro glanced up from the Playboy magazine he was reading o.O and blurrily added, "Every day too... Come on, Yoh... It's about time."  
  
Yoh stared at his two comrades. As much as he would like to disagree with them and storm out ranting and raving like a mad man, he had to agree... It was time.  
  
"I know that." Yoh stated, slumping down to the floor and burying his face in his hands. "But I just don't know how to go about doing it!!!"  
  
Amidamaru cleared his throat. "Ahem... I may have some advice..."  
  
The shamans stared at him.  
  
"What?! I may be a dead samurai but I sure as hell know a thing or two about proposing to a female!" the ghost huffed, folding his arms across his chest. Yoh sighed. At this point, he would even accept advice from Ponchi and Conchi.  
  
"Firstly, your dressing." Ren pointed out. Yoh glanced down at his own usual open-shirted-faded-jeans outfit. Then at Ren. Then at his open-shirted-faded-jeans outfit. Then at Ren. Then at-  
  
(Stop it. Now.-Icy)  
(...... Fine.-J)  
  
"Well, boys... It's time to go shopping."  
  
*one hour later*  
Yoh stepped out of the dressing room in a strange looking get-up. It would be strange if you could picture him decked out in a bright pink tracksuit adorned with a feathery boa sllithering happily around his neck.  
  
"Perfect..." Horo horo commented. "I am totally 'go' for this Britney look... It's so... Pink."  
  
Yoh made a face. Partially due to the fact that all the pink was reflecting like into his eyes. Even his hair looked pinker. Without a word, he ducked back into the dressing room, followed by a rather muffled series of bumps and crashes.  
  
"I thought the dress looked good..." Amidamaru said, glancing about a rack of shirts. Finally, his eyes met with something useful...  
  
"Yoh-dono!" he grinned, tossing his prize over the door of the changing room. "Try this one on! It is truely 'manly'."  
  
Yoh emerged several moments later, impeccably resembling a regular teenager. With regular cargo pants, regular shirt over another regualar shirt with regular sneakers and regular everything. He looked... Regular...  
  
(My stlye man!-J)  
(We'll see about that...-Icy)  
  
... Like a gay construction worker.  
  
"Oh Yoh-dono..." Amidamaru sang, stalking up to his 'master' while desperately trying to hide some article of clothing behind his translucent back and obivously failing miserably.  
  
Yoh took one look at the piece of clothing and then promptly turned green, then red, then blue then white, making him closely resemble a pshycotic chameleon on drugs.  
  
"I am not NOT wearing *that*..." he warned, backing up against the wall as his three companions-turned-torturers advanced upon him like a plague...  
  
Anyways, since we (the authors) are not very paticular about clothing ourselves, we won't dwell on the dressing... Moving on now...  
  
Yoh sat rather nervously on the overstuffed chair, at once wanting to leap out and scram. However, this was not an option due to several other characters surrounding him like a horde of vultures, pointing to several interesting pictures...  
  
"Try this one..." Horo horo suggested, pointing to a rather zesty picture with an outrageous hairdo. "I think perms are the way to go man..."  
  
"Buzz Cut." Ren deadpanned, beginning to measure the length he would have to hack off from Yoh's messy hair.  
  
"Dye it yellow." Amidamaru said. "Chicks dig blondes."  
  
"No, perms!"  
  
"Buzz cut."  
  
"Yellow!"  
  
"Perms!"  
  
"Buzz cut."  
  
"Yellow!"  
  
"Why don't we just do all of it? A yellow permed buzz cut?" Lyserg asked, suddenly popping into the story for no apparent reason. Everyone stared at him. The barber choked on his cigarette. Well, after deciding on a nice cut for Yoh, the trio went out to find some other stuff to embarrass Yoh with while the latter stayed in the barber shop, awaiting what felt like a death sentence.  
  
"Hey kiddo," the fat, smelly, ugly and not to mention gay barber said softly to Yoh, brandishing a shiny bottle infront of his eyes. "I know ya don't want to cut your hair... So I'll just rub a bit of this stuff here and I assure you, my friend, your hair would grow back to its original state. I'm sure of that or else my name is not Fat Bastard."  
  
Yoh glanced up at the shop's dingy looking sign outside that read:  
  
"Fat Bastard's shaving, cutting, and waxing of armpit hair."  
  
(That was NOT nessecary...-Icy)  
(It takes up space. It is nessecary.-J)  
  
Well, soon Yoh exited the barber shop with a brand new look, remarkably looking... Okay. Other then a few cuts from Fat Bastard's shakey... fat hand. Horo horo flashed him a big... grin.  
  
"Yoh... Now on to lesson three. Pick-up lines."  
  
~TBC~  
  
Liked it? Hated the guts out of it? Got any crude remarks or suggestions? Please review. We won't post chapter two till we've got a good ole 7 reviews for this one... We're running a tight schedule with the exams and everything... 


	2. chapter 2

Complete Dogma  
by Icy and J  
  
Why does your name always come first? It should be:  
  
Complete Dogma  
by J and Icy  
  
I think it looks much better like this.-J  
I think you've been drinking too much of this... Apple juice?! -Icy  
*Hiccup* Oh yeah, and to our faithful reviewer 'Brandy'... Thanks for all the lovely reviews. But, you can't woo people with reviews you know. -J  
I don't want to know what *that* means... -Icy  
And, no, you cannot be substitute groom. -J  
Don't tell me your still telling people what you promised you won't go around ranting. -Icy  
No comments. -J  
And to Jade-chan, I am NEVER letting J write a ecchi fic. Not in my lifetime.-Icy  
Aw come on... Just a little one...-J  
Little WHAT???-Icy  
See? See? You're all set to write one! So lets just get it on!-J  
-censored- off.-Icy  
Check back in the 'R-rated' section a couple of weeks from now.-J  
Don't you dare...-Icy  
  
Chapter two:  
  
Horo horo gave Yoh a look that could freeze blood... Without the help of his oversoul of course. It's a figure of speech.  
  
"What I'm about to tell you is a skill of twisting your words so much it can make hearts melt and brains fry..." he began.  
  
"Not to mention make stomachs churn." Ren interjected with a snort.  
  
"... This skill was developed by me and mastered by myself only. And now, I hand the skill to you my friend, Yoh." He said this in such a holy manner that you would have thought he was part of the x-laws. With all the weird chanting music too. "But you must swear never to reveal them to another soul as long as you may live. Under penalty of being held down and having bamboo shoots jammed under your fingernails while your hair is set on fire and 'head and shoulders' is poured directly onto your eyeballs. Also, a rabid weasel will be set loose inside your undershorts. Do you agree to these set regulations?"  
  
Yoh blinked. Then nodded.  
  
Horo horo smirked. "Good. Now lesson number one. Always keep eye contact." the ice shaman said factually, grabbing the unfortunately nearby Ren and plonking the latter on a stool like a science demonstration.  
  
"The you have to take the other's hand..." Horo horo said, taking Ren's hands into his own and gazing straight into the chinese shaman's downright furious eyes. After a few seconds of this intense tension, Horo horo relaxed and turned back to his 'pupil', ignoring the glares Ren was shooting at him.  
  
"Lesson number two: Sweet nothings. After careful consideration of this term, I have finally realised its true meaning. It's like that song, 'when you say nothing at all'. You really don't have to say anything. Observe."  
  
Horohoro turned back to Ren, once again grabbing his hands and looking into his eyes and began mumbling incoherently. It sounded like something you would expect to hear in a monastery. Just when Yoh had decided that Horo horo was taking the whole idea wrong, the ice shaman turned back to him with a weird, satisfied grin on his face.  
  
"Now the final lesson: Practise makes utter perfect. Now, you try it." Horo horo grinned, pushing Yoh towards the furious and ready to implode Ren. Yoh cleared his throat nervously, not really wanting to try ANYTHING on the chinese boy. A swift kick to the shins brought him back to the task at hand, and to his knees in front of Ren.  
  
"Ahem..." Yoh coughed, fidgeting more than a mouse jammed in an elephants behind.  
  
Horohoro quickly snapped, "Hold his hand dammit! And look into his eyes! Pretend he's Anna!"  
  
While Yoh would have readily rebutted that the chinese looked nothing like his blonde fiancee, he rapidly realised it would be safer to simply shut his gob and get on with the show. So he got on one knee, clasped one of Ren's hands in his own and looked at Ren with the fire he would to Anna. As expected from this, Ren's image dissapated into a visage of of the itako. After that, it all seemed second nature to him.  
  
"Anna... Your eyes... Are like pearls imprinted in the soul of the night sky..." Yoh began, voice laced with emotion. After that, it was all just a series of murmurs and completely incoherent mumbling. Yoh was already completely lost, going on and on, losing himself in 'Anna'. Unbeknownst to him, there was another set of eyes watching... And they weren't Horo horo's...  
  
*Several hours later... Back at Yoh's place...*  
A gleam came over Anna's face and her eyebrow twitched. It was the sign when someone was talking about you somewhere...  
  
She gripped the mug of tea tighter in her fist, not tearing her gaze away from the blank wall. She knew something like this would happen, if not now then sometime in the future. She needed answers, but knew the wall wouldn't give her the time of day. She knew he would never be hers, as much as she was his. She would go to the ends of the earth for him, if he had only said so... Well, maybe not. But she truely felt the heartache now. The ache she thought you would only read about in books sissy girls read. The only person she had every put trust in. The only one she ever gave her heart to.   
  
And he never knew.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Anna-san..." another voice comforted in a futile atempt to break the icy shell around the itako.  
  
A warm tear slid down her cheek and fell noiselessly onto her lap. Unheard, like the deafening silence of the shattering of her fragile heart.  
  
~TBC~  
  
Oh yeah! That's chapter two. Sorry it took so long to get here... Busy with exams and all... Yeah... Well, we're just looking at a measely 10-12 reviews and simply a matter of days before chapter 3...-J 


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